


doubts

by lee_dongmins



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cute, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-15 14:12:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11807592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lee_dongmins/pseuds/lee_dongmins
Summary: Sanha hates lying to him, to anyone in general, but he’s not really sure how to tell his boyfriend that all he can think about is the question of if he should break up with him.





	doubts

**Author's Note:**

> psa: jinjin and mj appear for a few seconds each bc Sanha mentions them but it's not for very long so i didn't put them in the character list.

* * *

 

“You shouldn't marry the first person you date.”

The words are said in passing, as part of a conversation between Jinwoo and another of their friends that Sanha doesn't think he was meant to hear. 

They don't apply to him, hell, they don't really have any meaning at all to him. He’s 19 years old and nowhere near marriage or anything of the sort, but for some reason they hit him hard; sticking with him for weeks after he initially heard them. 

He’s happy in his relationship with Minhyuk, there’s no doubting that. He squeaks when he's excited and laughs loudly and talks incessantly and Minhyuk loves it all. And Minhyuk tells bad jokes and purposely dances horribly and listens to Sanha talk all the time and Sanha loves it with his whole heart. 

But the words, those _cursed_ words, had made all kinds of doubts seep into his head and though they have no relevance to his relationship, they’re greatly causing him to question it. 

Sanha had had a crush on Minhyuk since the day he'd met him. 

He was 18 and just starting university and upon entering his dorm, there Minhyuk had been, standing on the other side of the room and putting up a poster of BTS. Sanha had thought to himself that he was _way_ too cute to be real; and he still sometimes thought that about his boyfriend. 

Unsurprisingly he _was_ real and due to a system error was also Sanha’s roommate despite them being a year apart. Not that he could complain, it had been the start of a great friendship and now relationship, and on multiple occasions Sanha had thanked whoever out there had made that mistake. 

Sitting across from Minhyuk now, though, Sanha is wishing that the mistake hadn't been made at all. He watches Minhyuk’s lips move as he talks, but doesn't hear anything he says, thoughts racing and heart beating loudly in his ears. 

He feels horrible, because he knows whatever his boyfriend is saying is important and he _wants_ to listen to him. He’s just finding it impossible to concentrate on anything other than the constant thought that maybe he shouldn't be in such a serious relationship. 

He’s young and not only is Minhyuk his first boyfriend, but he had been his first date and first kiss and most importantly, his first love. Sanha loves Minhyuk, he knows he does. They’ve been dating for nearly eight months and though they haven't exchanged those three words, Sanha knows he loves him. But as much as he loves him, Sanha also knows that he’s only 19 and Minhyuk is 20 and he's not sure they really know that much about love yet. 

His thoughts are interrupted when Minhyuk waves a hand in front of his face, “Earth to Sanha? Is everything alright?” 

He blinks a few times, concentrating back on his boyfriend sitting across from him and scooping another bite of food into his mouth. “I’m fine, sorry.” 

“Did you hear anything I was saying? You looked a little gone for a while there.” Minhyuk doesn't sound angry, and Sanha knows he isn’t, but his cheeks still turn red in embarrassment and his eyes flick down to his own plate. 

“I, uhh,” he scratches his head, wishing he could pretend that he had heard, “No, I didn’t… I’m sorry Minhyuk.” He sighs defeatedly, guilt clawing at his chest; he wishes he could tell his brain to shut up, to focus on being with his boyfriend and loving him and being as blissfully happy as he'd been for seven and a half months. 

But he can’t, because he’s always been one to run from his problems and avoid getting hurt and his brain works on overdrive in order to always succeed in both of those things. 

Minhyuk’s voice interrupts his thoughts once again, “That’s alright. I was just talking about stuff for dance; Bin and I choreographed this really sick routine, and I’m super excited about it.” 

Minhyuk continues talking about dance and Sanha smiles, he loves listening to his boyfriend speak, specifically about dancing. The sparkle in his eyes and the passion in his voice as he explains and describes things warms Sanha’s heart. He wishes his brain would focus on the stuff like this, the reasons he loves Minhyuk so much, instead of focusing on eight words which shouldn't even affect him. 

As they wrap up their dinner, paying for their food and beginning to walk back to their dorm, the silence stretching between them allows Sanha’s mind to wander once again. His thoughts trail over the idea of soulmates. 

Was Minhyuk his soulmate? 

Sanha would like to think he was, they share the same taste in music and a similar sense of humour. Minhyuk understands him like no one else and vice versa. They can speak without talking and get along seamlessly; but did all that make them soulmates? 

He thinks over other relationships he’s well accustomed to. There’s his parents, there’s Myungjun and Jinwoo, and there’s Bin and Dongmin. 

Each of them have very different relationships but in Sanha’s mind, all of them are soulmates. 

He tries to compare their relationships to his relationship in his head as he walks and struggles to do so, unintentionally letting out a sigh which catches Minhyuk’s attention. 

“Are you sure everything is alright, Sanha?” 

He jumps at the sound of his voice, hand nearly slipping out of Minhyuk’s as they continue walking, rounding the corner to the door of their building. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He forces a smile onto his face and sees Minhyuk’s shoulders relax. 

Sanha hates lying to him, to anyone in general, but he’s not really sure how to tell his boyfriend that all he can think about is the question of if he should break up with him. 

The trek to their dorm is familiar, and even Minhyuk’s next words are familiar, as the sentence is repeated nearly every time they walk the flights of stairs. “When we move into our apartment, it needs to have an elevator.” 

Sanha giggles, as he always does, but his heart isn't really in his response as much as usual, “As long as we’re together, I don't care what kind of apartment we move into.” 

Minhyuk looks behind him to meet Sanha’s gaze and he smiles warmly, likely imagining a future where him and Sanha _do_ move in together, just like they've planned. 

Sanha wishes _he_ still imagined that future as fondly, and as much as he wants to, his brain just won’t let him. More focused on wondering if he should even pursue that future to be remotely excited about it. 

Sanha doesn't notice that they've reached their dorm until Minhyuk is dropping his hand to unlock the door. His palm feels empty without the older boy’s fingers entwined in his, and once the door is open, he reaches back out for them. 

Minhyuk looks a little surprised, as they _were_ back in their dorm already, and there’s no real reason for Sanha to hold his hand. He lets it happen though, sliding his fingers between Sanha’s easily, leading him into the room and shutting the door. 

“Are you tired yet?” Sanha watches him look down at the watch on his right wrist, “It’s only 10:00 but you’ve had a stressful few days. 

Sanha shakes his head, chest warming at Minhyuk’s concern, “I just want to relax for a bit before I sleep… Can we watch a movie and cuddle?” 

Minhyuk smiles at his request, immediately agreeing and dropping Sanha’s hand once again to change into more comfortable clothes. Sanha does the same, moving to his dresser to retrieve clothes to use as pyjamas. 

“I’m gonna go brush my teeth,” Minhyuk announces, turning to leave the room with his toothbrush and toothpaste in hand. 

“I’ll come with you.” Sanha reaches into the top drawer of his nightstand, also retrieving his toothbrush before following Minhyuk down the hall to the bathroom. 

They stand next to one another at the sink as they brush their teeth, the action familiar and comfortable. In the two years they’ve roomed together, their routine has remained mostly the same. Sanha especially likes it during busier times of the semester; even when him and Minhyuk are both busy with coursework and their part time jobs, they come together at the end of every day to brush their teeth together. It’s a simple thing, and he knows it’s silly, because they don't even talk to each other; but just being next to Minhyuk at the end of every day for the short period of time is comforting for him. 

By the time they make their way back to their room Sanha feels ready for bed, but his mind is still racing and he wants to do something which will distract it; and watching a movie while cuddling his boyfriend sounds like a pretty good idea. 

He doesn't wait for Minhyuk before climbing into the boy’s bed, watching as he gathers his laptop and the charger for it, plugging it in before placing it in front of Sanha. As he walks across the room to turn the light off, Sanha unlocks the computer and opens Netflix, deciding to watch whatever drama the two of them had been watching last. 

He waits for Minhyuk to lay down next to him and wraps an arm around his waist, laying his head on his chest. He laughs at Sanha’s quick actions, slowly snaking an arm around his back and pressing his lips to the top of his head. 

They press play on the show and Sanha has already zoned out before it even starts. His thoughts shift back to his guilt and he wants to cry. Of course, randomly bursting into tears would worry Minhyuk, and that’s something Sanha does _not_ want to do; but the weight of everything he’s been confused about is really beginning to weigh on him, and he doesn't know what _else_ to do. 

All Sanha wants is for everything with Minhyuk to feel normal again, to wake up and fall asleep completely content with his relationship and with _Minhyuk_. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't think that any of those things will happen again any time soon. 

He tries to focus on the feeling of Minhyuk’s arms around him instead, his fingers moving absentmindedly back and forth over Sanha’s back and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. 

They relax him enough for the time being to put anything else out of his mind. He loves any moments he spends wrapped in Minhyuk’s embrace. It’s safe and it’s natural, and everything about it just feels _right_. 

His eyes feel heavier the longer he lays there and before he knows it, Minhyuk is pressing a few kisses to his forehead and telling him to sleep; shutting the laptop and setting it aside, tangling his legs with Sanha’s as he makes himself comfortable in his bed. 

He falls asleep to the familiar sound of Minhyuk’s heartbeat in the silence of the room, mind _finally_ at rest and body long ready to do the same.

 *****

It's been three more days and Sanha feels no better about his relationship than he did before. He's tried everything he can think of to reason it out, yet nothing seems to be working. 

He’s happy with Minhyuk. Their relationship works well and Sanha cares for him a lot more than he’s ever cared for another person before. There’s no one else he wants to see at the end of each day, and there’s no person whose voice or smile can make him feel the way Minhyuk’s does. 

Sanha _knows_ all of these things, but his brain can still focus only on all of the _bad things_ that could happen from his relationship with Minhyuk; specifically on the idea that their might be someone better out there for him. Not that he thinks he can get better, because Minhyuk is the best as far as he knows; but that’s just it, Minhyuk is all Sanha knows. 

He loves Minhyuk, but he’s not sure if his love is based on truly being in love _with_ Minhyuk and their relationship, or truly being in love with _the idea_ of Minhyuk and their relationship. He’s always been excited by the fact that Minhyuk is his first boyfriend, and he’s not particularly sure if that excitement is still affecting his feelings. 

Minhyuk is noticing more and more often that something is wrong, and even their friends have begun to pick up on something being off with Sanha. 

It’s this concern that has led him to be crying on Dongmin and Bin’s couch on a Tuesday afternoon when he should be studying. 

Dongmin has an arm slung around Sanha’s shoulders and Bin is getting him a glass of water, both of them treating him as if he’s way younger than he is. 

“What’s going on, Sanha?” Dongmin asks gently, thumb rubbing soothingly along his left shoulder. 

“I- I don’t know, hyung, that’s, that’s the problem.” His words are stuttered and slightly incoherent but Dongmin manages to work out what he's saying. 

Bin sits down on his other side and rubs his back, handing him the water and watching silently as he takes a sip. Sanha takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm down enough to talk to them about why he’s crying on their couch at 3:00 in the afternoon while Minhyuk is at work. 

“Well why don’t you try explaining it as best you can? I’m sure Binnie and I can work it out, right Binnie?” Bin nods and Dongmin smiles warmly after his words. Something about the two, specifically Dongmin, is extremely calming for Sanha, and after a few seconds he’s able to talk again. 

“Well a few weeks ago I overheard Jinwoo hyung talking to someone, and something he said has made me really question and doubt everything with Minhyuk. I don’t know what to do hyung-“ Sanha cuts himself off as tears start falling from his eyes once again, the guilt and confusion and sadness which had been weighing on his chest finally pouring out of him. 

“it’s okay Sanha,” Bin soothes, “Everything will be okay.” 

Once he’s calmed down a bit more Dongmin speaks up once again, “What do you mean by question things with Minhyuk? Like are you considering breaking up with him?”

“No?” Sanha sounds unsure and he shakes his head as if trying to shake around his thoughts. “I mean, I don’t know, Dongmin hyung, that’s why I’m so confused.” 

He sounds desperate and both Bin and Dongmin have never seen him like this. Dongmin wants to comfort him more but until Sanha explains more, there’s not much he can do. He hates feeling like he can’t help his friends when they need it, so being unable to understand Sanha at the moment is driving him insane. 

“Well, what're you confused about specifically?” Sanha pauses at Bin’s question to think for a moment. 

“I don’t know if maybe I’m rushing into a serious relationship because Minhyuk is the first guy I’ve ever really lik- I’ve ever loved. I know it’s not necessarily _rushed_ because it’s been eight months but I’m afraid that maybe I’m making a mistake by being so serious about the relationship when I’m still so young.” 

He seems completely and utterly lost on what to do and both boys’ hearts break a little at seeing their youngest friend struggle so much with this. “It’s normal to have doubts in your relationships, Sanha, what you can’t do is let those doubts ruin things for you.” 

“Yeah Dongminnie is right, you have to break things down into more manageable thoughts; we’ll help you.” Bin smiles widely at him and Sanha feels himself relax slightly. “So, do you love Minhyuk?” 

“Definitely,” Sanha answers without hesitation. Dongmin smiles to himself at his answer but stays silent nonetheless, allowing Bin to continue his questions. 

“Are you happy with Minhyuk?” 

“Yes.” Sanha answers again without hesitation and his mind starts to calm down for the first time in weeks, beginning to see the point Bin is trying to make. 

“Then that’s really all there is to it, Sanha. As long as you guys aren’t having any problems in your relationship and your relationship is still healthy then your doubts are normal.” Bin’s tone is reassuring and Sanha visibly relaxes. 

“You do need to talk to Minhyuk though Sanha, stuff like this isn't just stuff you have to keep to yourself, okay? You should always try and talk things through with Minhyuk first,” Dongmin gently reminds him, still smiling warmly at him. 

“Thank you hyungs, I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.” 

Bin snorts, “Probably sit on Myungjun hyung and Jinwoo hyung’s couch instead.” 

All three laugh before Sanha announces that he really should head out, collecting all his things and thanking them one last time before leaving their apartment. He takes the bus back to his and Minhyuk’s dorm and tries to work himself up to talk with Minhyuk when he gets back from work. 

Sanha’s only been back in their room about 15 minutes when he does return from work, smiling widely and crossing the room to place a quick kiss on Sanha’s lips. 

“How was work?” 

“It was fine, slow; no one really came in during my shift today.” Minhyuk begins changing out of his work uniform and Sanha takes a few breaths, trying to work himself up to bring up the fact that they need to talk. He’s worried that Minhyuk might be upset with him for not telling him, or even for thinking any of the things he had thought in the first place. 

“We, umm,” he breathes deeply one more time, “I think we should talk, Minhyuk.” 

His boyfriend turns around, eyebrows raised in surprise, “Okay? What about, is everything alright?” 

Sanha immediately nods, trying to reassure Minhyuk that everything is okay right now. “It is now, but I haven't been completely honest with you the last few weeks and I think it’s time that I am.” 

Minhyuk nods, sitting down on his bed with his legs crossed, leaving room for Sanha to sit down at the other end and do the same. 

He quickly explains what he had overheard Jinwoo saying, and everything he’d been feeling and thinking, Minhyuk nodding along the entire time. 

When he finally finishes, Minhyuk doesn’t say anything for a moment, looking like he’s thinking about something. “I wish you would've told me sooner, because I would've tried to do something to help you out; but all in all, I’m really glad you did tell me.” 

Sanha blinks at him a few times in confusion, “You’re not upset with me?” 

“Upset with you? Why would I be upset with you?” 

“Well,” Sanha pauses, “I don’t know; I guess I just thought you might be upset that I didn't tell you, or that I was even feeling like that in the first place.” He can’t meet Minhyuk’s gaze and keeps his eyes trained on the bed where his fingers are twisted in the sheets. 

“Sanha,” Minhyuk starts, pausing when his boyfriend doesn’t look up at him, “Sanha, look at me.” 

Immediately he locks his eyes on Minhyuk’s, waiting for him to continue, “I could never be upset with you over something you're feeling, it’s not something you can control. And I’m proud of you for telling me everything because I know that must’ve been hard.” 

Sanha doesn't think he's ever loved Minhyuk more than he does in that moment. His heart swells and every weight that's been on his shoulders the last few weeks immediately disappears just with those few words. 

“I love you,” Sanha blurts before he can even think about what he’s saying. 

His eyes widen at the same time Minhyuk’s do, both of them realizing simultaneously that Sanha had just said the first I love you between the two of them. 

Before he can even open his mouth to apologize Minhyuk is replying with the only four words Sanha wants to hear in that moment, “I love you too.” 

Both of them crack wide smiles at one another, cheeks crimson and giggles beginning to fall from their lips out of sheer happiness. 

Sanha moves to be closer to Minhyuk, leaning in to kiss him once again but stopping just before he reaches his lips. 

“I love you, Park Minhyuk,” he mutters against them, trying to make sure his boyfriend truly understands the weight and meaning behind his words. 

Minhyuk presses their lips together for a second before pulling away again, “I love you more, Yoon Sanha.” 

Sanha doesn't remember why he ever questioned anything about his relationship with Minhyuk. There’s one person he wants to hear say those words to him for the rest of his life and that person is sitting across from him in a crappy dorm room and talking about what they should do for dinner. 

Sanha definitely doesn't have any more doubts.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i really hope you enjoyed! i'm working on chapter 2 of hit me up and also a binu baseball au but idk when those will be up yet so if you want to find out, you can follow my tumblr which is @lee-dongminhyuk.


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